Tips for Losing Your Virginity on Your Wedding Night

Everything You Need to Know About Giving Up Your V-Card

Alex Manley

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If you go off what it’s like in movies and TV shows, being a virgin is stressful business. You’re constantly made fun of and belittled for your lack of sexual experience, and feel pressured to lose it as soon as possible — regardless of how or with whom — lest your peers single you out as un-manly, pathetic or otherwise undesirable.

RELATED: Sex Positions for Virgins

Guys who’ve already had sex, meanwhile, can strut about confidently, knowing they’re handsome, masculine and sexually irresistible. Whatever truth there is to that perception, it’s not as black and white as those situations would suggest. Being sexually inexperienced, even when you want nothing more than to lose your virginity, doesn’t need to be such an anxiety-ridden time of your life.

In order to help debunk some of the harmful and confusing myths around the subject, we spoke to a variety of sex experts, psychologists and regular people about what losing your virginity means, and how to go about getting it done the right way.

13. You should definitely still use a condom If not for pregnancy protection, then for STIs — yes, even if you’re both virgins, says Herbenick. Here’s why: People lie. OK, that was a little harsh, but really, there’s always a chance that someone isn’t being totally honest when they say they’ve never had sex before or they’ve only had sex with another virgin or whatever. Plus, people have very different definitions when it comes to sex, and STIs can be spread through genital, oral, anal, and sometimes just skin-to-skin contact. So even if they think they’ve been safe in the past, they might be mistaken. Read up on everything you need to know about STI testing here. And if losing your virginity involves oral vaginal or oral anal sex, consider a dental dam. Remember, these barrier methods don’t fully protect against all STIs, but they’re your best line of defense.


12. You might think: This totally sucks

Beforehand, your brain was all fireworks-worthy fantasies. In reality, though, sex—that first time—may be more like: That’s all?! Really?! In fact, you might want it to be over the second it starts…and that’s 100% normal. "Sex takes place mentally as well as physically," explains Smith. "So if you feel tense or are scared, which most people do feel their first time, it can be really difficult to enjoy your experience." In addition, your hormonal changes might lead to emotional outbreaks post-sex. Your emotions are at an all time high after sex, so don’t worry too much if you’re experiencing extreme feelings, both negative and positive. When you grow more comfortable, however, you’ll feel more at ease — both with the act itself and your partner.

10. If you have a penis, you might come really, really quickly

Universal Pictures / Via And that’s totally fine. It’s your first time inside a vagina/mouth/anus, so it’s exciting stuff going on here. But don’t try to stave off an orgasm by thinking about baseball or grandparents or something. Focus on being in the moment and on your partner’s needs, and don’t worry so much about when you’ll come, says Mark. Even if you do finish super quickly, don’t panic — you can just turn your attention to pleasing your partner.

What Does Losing Your Virginity Feel Like

A few people have pleasant memories of the first t

A few people have pleasant memories of the first time they “made love”, but most people have embarrassing, awkward, painful and uncomfortable recollections of losing their virginity (don’t worry, these make much better stories).

Losing your virginity is most likely not going to be perfect and pain-free like rom-coms would like you to believe.

The truth is that it might hurt, and you will probably be awkwardly humping away wondering if that’s what it’s always going to feel like – but there is light at the end of the tunnel because sex gets better with age and experience!

Most boys have no clue how to please women in their teenage years (some men never truly learn), but some of them will take the time to understand what makes you feel more pleasure instead of pain.

2. You can change your mind at any point on the night of

Let’s set the scene: You’re passionately kissing your significant other and you’ve both decided that tonight is the night, but all of a sudden you think: You know, I don’t really want to do this right now. That is 10000000000% OK, and you have every single right to let your partner know that. People change their minds over all kinds of tiny things (like craving a burger but then actually realizing you want nuggets), so why would that be any different for something as intimate as having sex for the first time? If you’re not down, then it’s not happening, and that’s totally cool.

Get to Know Your Body

Whatever your thoughts or beliefs on masturbation might be, it is very healthy. It helps you get to know your body and figure out what you like. This is important information to have in your back pocket when you embark on IRL sex. If you’re worried about that old myth that masturbation makes you want less sex, don’t be. It’s not true. Masturbation has actually been shown to make you want sex more.

What feels good to you? Take note of everything that brings you pleasure and don’t be afraid to explore. You want your first time with your partner to be wonderful. This means you need to do some field research beforehand.


Your first time having sex you are not exactly sure what to do. Do you look at the ceiling? Do you kiss your partner? Do you make moaning sounds? As you start to feel more accustomed to having sex this will all start to sort itself out. In the meantime, just do whats natural and don’t play things up too much.

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Setting the Mood

Some people go all out for their first time, with candles and a sex playlist, while others just plan to do the dirty in the near future. No matter which category you fall into, just make sure the mood feels right. Low lighting is the easiest way to make the space feel more enjoyable and romantic.

Choose a Simple, Comfortable Position

This is your first time having penetrative sex and it's likely not going to be the most incredible feeling you’ve ever known. Vaginal orgasm happens for very few women and it takes patience and a lot of experience. It often feels like physical pressure the first time and it might even hurt a little. Go slowly; Don’t stress out. It’s new terrain, we've all been there. You will likely want to stick to one sex position. Obviously, you can change it up later, but for the first time, you just want to see how everything feels. Go for a position that is comfortable for you. When in doubt, missionary or spooning is your safe bet.

How Can I Practice Safe Sex?

Having sex without protection, even for the first time, can lead to sexually transmitted infections. STIs are preventable, which is why practicing safe sex is so important. This means not being embarrassed about buying condoms, getting tested, or talking to your partner about their sexual history. For non-penetrative sex, things like dental dams or gloves can increase safety.

What Happens When You Lose Your Virginity?

First time sex is different for everyone, particularly because sex can mean so many different things. If we’re talking about penis-in-vagina sex, some people feel mild soreness after their first time, while others might experience bleeding. Others may notice more emotional changes rather than physical. They may feel closer to their partner, or more grown up. What won’t happen? Fireworks. Or dancing unicorns. Or everyone else magically knowing, even though it may seem like they will. But no matter how much first time sex means to you, the entire school won’t suddenly know you’ve had sex. So that’s at least a good thing.

One thing to be aware of, however, is that losing your virginity with your partner may introduce a new dynamic into your relationship. You’ll have to work out things like, will you always do it now? Will you do it every time you’re together, or was it a one-time thing? Even though it may be awkward, it’s good to have conversations about things like that so you’re both on the same page. It’s important to remember that just because you had sex one time doesn’t mean you have your partner’s permission to do it again — getting consent for each sexual act before each encounter is key.

4. What Should You Know Before You Lose Your Virginity?

The prospect of waiting to have sex for the first time might feel excruciating, but that doesn’t mean it’s something you should just casually rush into.

“I wish I hadn’t had sex until I had a career. Sex itself is overrated and took up so many stupid hours of my young life. For the record, I think [losing your virginity] is special, but non-procreative/recreational sex is not special, and is rather a distraction.” – Mary, 28

If you’re planning on having sex for the first time, there are a few basics you should take into account before stripping your clothes off.

Get Comfortable Talking About Sex

Just because you can talk about sexual topics doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to actually have sex. If you can’t be honest and serious about it in conversation, that might be a sign that you should wait.

“The conversation I have with young men (including my own teenage son) is this,” says Lords. “If you’re not willing to talk about sex with your partner, use proper terminology for the sex acts and body parts involved, gain full, enthusiastic, and informed consent from your partner, and discuss condoms and contraception, you’re not ready for sex with a partner.”

RELATED: Here’s What You Should Know About Consent

“But,” she adds, “you can have sex with yourself any time you want.”

Don’t Set High Expectations

It can be easy to get carried away thinking that sex is the best thing of all time and your first time will be amazing. Unfortunately, that’s probably not going to be the case.

“It doesn’t have to be mind-blowing and it likely won’t be because it’s your first time with a partner,” says O’Reilly. “The first time you tried anything (e.g. threw a baseball or cooked a meal), you probably weren’t as good as you are now. Enjoy the process and don’t get hung up on timing yourself or ‘spectator-in’, which refers to watching the experience unfold like an outsider instead of living in the moment.”

Don’t Feel the Need to Hide Your Inexperience

If you feel embarrassed by your sexual inexperience, it might be tempting to lie about it or simply not tell your partner — but that might not be the best strategy, according to O’Reilly.

“You can let your partner know that it’s your first time if you’d like,” she says. “You don’t have to, but it can be helpful. Let them know what you have tried and what you enjoyed. And consider letting them know what’s new to you and how they can make the experience more comfortable and pleasurable. If ‘being a virgin’ is an issue for them (it won’t be for most people), they might not be a good fit for you.”

Don’t Do It Unless You Feel Ready

Most importantly, don’t let anyone (yourself included) pressure you into it. If you don’t feel ready, then you aren’t ready, and it’s OK to say that or to stop things before they go too far even if that’s right as you’re about to do it.

“You should feel prepared and safe,” says O’Reilly. “Much of the information on sex and virginity focuses on supporting young women, but being physically, emotionally and practically prepared and supported is essential regardless of gender.”

So what does feeling prepared include?

“Being prepared might include talking about your desire with your partner; sharing concerns and uncertainties openly; discussing and planning for safer sex — not just condoms and lube, but also your own needs and boundaries (you can talk face to face or start planning via text); taking some time to consider why you want to have sex,” she adds. “What’s in it for you? Do you want to the pleasure, the connection, the exploration, or some other perceived benefit? If you’re motivated by cultural pressure, perhaps reconsider. Your ability to have sex will always be there, so you don’t have to do it right now.”


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